Commentary 1

For my classical argument essay, I wrote a supportive response to Nicholas Carr’s article “Is Google Making us Stupid?” I agree with Carr that the Internet has a bad influence on people’s concentration, making us easily distracted and fidgety. Therefore, I wanted to connect those bad influences to the younger generation of children that are growing up to be obsessed with the Internet.

Shastin peer reviewed my essay. For my introduction, she liked how I began with asking questions that lead into what my essay is about. She recommended rewording my thesis, which I did. I made it more straightforward by listing the three negative impacts Internet has on children. Then she made a couple adjustments to my punctuation. My first body paragraph I talked about some background information on the negative side of Internet use for children with statistics. Shastin said it was good that I stated the statistics in the beginning, so the readers can see the actual numbers to understand that it is becoming a serious problem. For my third paragraph, I explained that the Internet affects social skills and concentration. Shastin suggested for me to split each affect into separate paragraphs to help defend each affect better. With doing that, I was able to give more information to support why I think the Internet has those negative affects and helped support my thesis statement. In my fourth paragraph, I told a story about my younger cousin that is sucked into the Internet. Shastin commented that it was a good way to relate to readers with children, siblings, cousins, or friends. She also made a few grammatical changes. Shasin noticed I only had three sources, so I found a fourth source. I added my fourth source to my conclusion to help wrap up all my thoughts.

Overall, I changed some punctuation and grammar errors and made stronger paragraphs. Shastin said it was a well-put together essay with good points.